Cruel world, let's us hold on
by Pizzapig
Summary: One shot. Dean is dying but how will his family handle it. Dean/ Castiel already established. Trigger warning for suicide.


A/n one shot, mega feels, established Destiek, trigger warning for suicide

"No,Castiel, Don't you dare turn away."

"You have to face up to this. This is happening. This is real, and you have to face up to it. He needs you and if you don't go to him, I swear, I will kill you myself; and I'm not kidding, I will. If you leave my brother now, I will find you; and kill you, no matter how long it takes."

"I don't think I'm strong enough Sam. I'm not strong enough."

"You have to be strong enough; not for you; not for me, but for that dying man in the other room. He wont say it but he needs you, and if you leave now it will have all meant nothing. Your whole relationship will have been a lie if you cant do this now. Man up and face your feelings, go comfort the man you love, before its too late."

"Okay Sam. I will "man up", but you have to promise me this, no more. Once Dean is gone, you leave me in peace; no more prayers; no more summonings; nothing. You understand?"

"I understand."

"Hello Dean." Castiel teleported into the room staring at Dean with a stotic look, displaying no emotion to an extent that it was frightening.

"Cas," Dean coughed, and coughed again "you're here." He wheezed, trying to lift him self up to get a better look to determine weather it really was his angel, or an imagining of his fevered mind.

"No Dean, stay down you are hurt and will injure your self further."

Dean laughed un-humorously "I'm dying, I don't think it will make a difference."

"Dean, I do not wish to cause you further discomfort."

"Well come closer than man, let me get a look at your pretty face before I die." He joked.

Cas was afraid if he got closer he would shatter, and never be able to be put back together again; because what was life without Dean. Life was meaningless. All he had was Dean, but he couldn't refuse him; not when Dean was giving him that look. That look that said I know you probably wont, but I would love it if you did this. So when Cas walked over to the bed slowly like a human, Dean gave a small smile, and Castiel knew Sa, was right; he shouldnt be running away now, not when Dean needed him so much. Castiel sat down in the chair, dragging it closer to Dean, to not cause futher discomfort to Dean by him having to shift closer.

"Are you crying?" Asked Dean wondrously after a while of Cas just looking at Dean and Dean looking back not saying anything.

Castiel felt his face and small tear drops were clinging to his fingers, like tiny rain drops. If this was crying, he supposed he was crying then. "It appears so." responded Castiel astonished.

"C'mon man, don't cry over me, people die all the time, and I'm certainly not worth crying over."

"Im sorry Dean, it appears it's something I cannot control."

Suddenly to Dean's surprise and Castiel's dismay, the silent crying had turned into big gasping sobs.

"It okay, shh" said Dean reaching out and holding onto Castiel as he cried, soaking Deans' shirt.

"Shh, c'mon Cas, be strong. I'm the one dying here, you're supposed to be comforting me, not the other way around remember."

"Im sorry Dean." said Castiel his sobs increasing.

"Its okay, I guess we've never been normal anyway, never done the typical, you are a fallen angel of course." It was just making Cas more upset to remind him he couldn't heal Dean as he once did, so Dean quickly changed the subject.

"Do you remember when we first met?"

"And you tried stabbing me" said Castiel his sobs decreasing to sniffles now, but Cas was still clutching Deans tear stained shirt and Dean was still absentmindedly holding ontoCas stroking his hair.

"But you were a total badass and just pulled it out, and then knocked Bobby out like it was nothing."

"Yes"

"Do you remember what you said to me?"

"Yes, I told you I was a angel of the lord and we had work for you."

"Yeah, you were a real dick back then, but I'm talking about the other thing. You told me good things do happen. Well, I didn't believe it back then, but I do now. You see Cas, you were my good thing. So when I cross over I'll be fine, because at least I had one good thing and when we meet in heaven we'll find each other again, and everything will be okay." Dean coughed again this time hacking up blood.

"I don't want you leave me," whispered Cas into Dean's shirt "this isn't fair."

"Haven't you noticed yet Cas, nothing in life is fair. This happiness, it couldn't last. If that demon didn't pierce me with her enchanted blade, it would have ended somehow else. The universe would find someway to screw me over."

Cas was shaking his head "It cant end. It's too soon. I haven't told you all I wanted, we havent done all we where meant to."

"Tell me now Cas."

"How am I meant to? An entire lifetime I want with you, and all I have is a few hours. Not enough time to tell you everything"

"Try" begged Dean, he needed something to distract him from the pain.

Cas looked up into Dean's eyes, with that stare that usually freaked Dean out, but today Dean found it weirdly comforting, a steady thing in which to anchor himself to.

"You are the most beautiful soul I have ever met," began Castiel, "but you never believe it. You are always there for Sam and me. You have always pulled me back when I have strayed too far from the right path, the path of goodness. In my whole million year existence you are the one thing I found; that made my life worth living. You brought me to life. I was a mindless soldier but you gave me something to fight for... Someone to fight for. Without you I would still be a lost; a wander with no home or mind to call his own. You mean more to me than life itself and if I could trade places with you -so you would be the one living- I would do so in a heart beat"

"Dont say that Cas. Don't you dare say that. You must promise... I cant be your whole world Cas. I can't have that responsibility, there's life outside of me."

"How can I not Dean, it is true. Life without you is a life not worth living."

"No!" Dean shook his head; and quietly said almost too low to hear "I'm the one dying here Cas! Not you! You must promise," tears were filling Dean's eyes "you must promise to keep living when I am gone."

"I don't think I can."

"Damn it! Cas

Promise! Right here and now. You must promise."

Cas was staring at Dean sadly.

"Promise! God damn it! or so help me, I will be so pissed at you if we meet in heaven before it is your time that I wont even talk to you ever again."

Cas was still just staring at Dean.

"I love you Dean." said Cas placing a kiss to his lips; Forging a promise of sorts, that all Cas could promise, but what Cas was promising neither of them was certain.

"I love you too," Dean smiled "all it took was me dying to say it" laughed Dean self-deprecatingly.

Cas kissed Dean again, because he could, and he mighten get another chance to do so.

Dean was tired from fighting so hard, So he layed his head back on the pillow, bringing Cas close to him, he and Cas slept side by side for a while.

##~##

In the morning Sam was sitting in the chair asleep, watching over them like a gardian angel.

"Dean I had the nicest dream." whispered Cas

"Dean?" Dean wasn't waking up "Dean?" Said Cas more urgetnly shaking his shoulder now "Dean!" Cas noticed that Dean was in fact not breathing.

Castiel's loud insistant shout woke Sam up suddenly. Cas was still shaking Dean, but Dean had been gone for a while now. Sam took this in but he just couldn't believe, he just stood there not moving, staring at Cas shaking Dean. But suddenly it came crashing down, he fell to the ground onto his knees. "Dean" he whispered silently but all too loudly.

Cas had finally stopped shaking Dean. He noticed Sam breaking apart, but he couldn't find it in him self to go comfort him. All he could do was clutch onto Dean's lifeless body and whisper over and over again "No Dean. No! you cant leave me. Not now, not ever."

Sam was still in shock and hours later Cas had gone quite, but he was still clutching Dean. Sam managed to drag himself up, tear stained cheeks and he gently removed an unresponsive Cas from Dean's lifeless body. Then he mechanically took Dean outside. To give a respectful funeral, leaving Cas on the bed, still unresponsive and curled into a ball.

When Sam sent Dean off, lighting the funeral pyre, Castiel smelt the burning and it got through to him, unfurling, he stumbled out of the room."Dean?". Cas asked the world where the person he loved had gone. When the world didn't answer he searched himself, until he saw Dean's lifeless body on the burning funeral pyre. It was too much, he started running and didn't stop .

"Cas!" Sam called after him, but he didnt even look back. Sam was too grief stricken to go after Cas, so he just stood there, watching the retreating figure of Cas; keeping his promise to never go after Cas, even though it went against his better judgement.

##~##

Castiel ran till he could run no more. He came to a stop in a field and just collapsed. Too tired to do anything but sleep, he was happy for a while, oblivious to the world; Till it began to rain, and he was woken up to the harsh reality, that he was all alone, in a empty field. After gathering him self together again Castiel hitchhiked into town, all the while a living dead man, uncommunicative and barely there, a ghost on the fringe of society. He couldnt remember much after that but he remembered being dropped off at the gun store, Going in and procuring a hand gun and returning to that muddy field.

Castiel looked to the sky one final last time, he told the sky that he was sorry, that promises can't all be kept, and sometimes had to be broken.

He raised the gun to his chin. He was done crying. He pulled back the hammer, cocking the gun methodically, preparing himself for the final deed. Castiel knew this was the last thing Dean wanted. He would never want this, and would kick his backside 5 ways to hell if he was here, but Dean wasn't here and that was the problem.

Castiel took a deep breath steading his shaking hand. He put his finger on the trigger, tears running down his face. He had been feeling like this for a while now, ever since loosing the ability to fully access his grace. He felt abandoned by the only home he knew, but back then he still had Dean to hold onto, but now Dean was gone. He had nothing to hold on to anymore.

"I hope you forgive me for this Dean." said Castiel before a resounding bang was heard and Castiel's cold lifeless body hit the ground.

Castiel was found a few days later and named John Doe. Later found out to be Jimmy Novak of Illinois; he was returned to his family. The papers reported that the man was an escaped mental patient, but they never knew the truth, that it was a angel so far fallen that he couldn't bring him self out again, in love with a man who didn't love himself. Sam never knew what happened to Castiel, and was spared the guilt, too grief stricken to check the paper. Sam likes to think Castiel is off helping people, but he knows that it is probably not true, but that is what Sam likes to think anyway. Sam, all alone has finally found that family he has looked for his whole life; a wife and two children, one named Dean and the other Cassie. Sam is still waiting for the day he can join Castiel and Dean in heaven. But it will be for a while yet.


End file.
